How I Got Lost in My Loathing

Finally figuring out what my young parts had been trying to say.

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Survival Tool #46: Listen for the Hidden Message

At the height of my toxic workplace ordeal, I was gripped by loathing.

I’m not proud to admit it.

But this loathing was as visceral as any emotion I’ve ever felt.

Physiologically, my body was gearing up for a fight-flight response — only the anticipated discharge of energy never came.

At the emotional level, there was a curiously addictive mix of fear and anxiety — a cold writhing sensation in my abdomen that would never quite resolve.

And at the level of the mind, there were hateful thoughts — all themed around the flawed character and unethical behaviour of the superiors I’d cast in the role of my persecutors. (Survival Tool #12: Escape Your Drama Triangle).

Loathing can be extremely persuasive.

And, as I discovered, loathing develops a self-sustaining quality — as the physical sensations the process generates magnetise thoughts of a similar frequency, which then self-assemble into storylines that justify further loathing sensations, turning the cycle ever faster.

Looking back, I can see how easily I became stuck.

Making Space

I have no desire to self-flagellate over falling into this dynamic.

The behaviours I encountered in my toxic workplace were unacceptable and at times cruel. (Survival Tool #25: Name Workplace Bullying for What It Is).

Given my sense of disorientation and shock at much of what was said and done, I can recognise that I responded as best I could, given my level of development at the time. (Survival Tool #20: Connect With Your Tears).

But I can also acknowledge that more options might have been available to me, had I been able to cultivate sufficient spaciousness to host my emotional reactions to what was happening — without these reactions starting to dictate my thinking.

I now have a clearer understanding of what my loathing was trying to tell me — and how I might approach a similar situation differently in the future.

To Be, Become and Belong

This insight arose last weekend, during the latest phase of my training as a collective trauma integration facilitator with Thomas Hübl and his team, where we delved deeply into understanding victim-perpetrator dynamics. (Resonant World #79: Why I’m Training as a Collective Trauma Integration Facilitator).

In the training, we recognise three fundamental human needs, which can also be considered “rights” — the right to be (or exist); the right to become (to evolve and grow); and the right to belong (to be part of a family or community).

During this latest phase of training, it became clear to me that a very young part of myself had experienced my toxic workplace ordeal — and the behaviour of particular individuals — as a threat to my right to belong.

I believe this experience had echoes of certain dynamics in my childhood, perhaps at a pre-verbal age.

During my toxic workplace ordeal, my adult self could observe what was at play very clearly — and retain a degree of detachment, even as I felt by turns anxious, disgusted and afraid.

But younger parts of me found these emotions far too much to hold.

And that’s why — I can now understand — I experienced such a powerful sense of loathing for the people I identified as the authors of my pain.

Growing My Cup

Let’s use the analogy — as Thomas does — of a “cup” to symbolise our capacity to host uncomfortable emotions in our system without being overwhelmed.

It’s only natural that the young, vulnerable, inexperienced parts of ourselves have much smaller cups than our more mature, adult selves.

To extend the analogy further: When our cup becomes full, and we continue to add more water (stress), it overflows. That’s when overwhelm starts to kick in.

Let’s imagine for a moment the cup is more like a sealed pressure cooker — as we heat it up further (more stress), it eventually starts to hiss steam, and might even explode. (Survival Tool #9: Don’t Let Your Anger Come Out Sideways).

During my toxic workplace ordeal, a young part of myself that felt threatened in his right to belong lacked the capacity to host the associated stress.

I didn’t collapse into overwhelm, but the build-up of unacknowledged fear and sadness began to express as loathing — the emotional equivalent of escaping steam.

This process happened entirely outside my conscious awareness.

Had somebody asked me why I was feeling such intense loathing, I would have said it was a natural consequence of the person’s reprehensible behaviour.

But in reality, the origins of my loathing lay in the overwhelm my younger part was feeling — and this younger part couldn’t put this experience into words.

I look back with empathy for myself at that time — when I was so caught in the toxic workplace trap that these vulnerable parts of myself were being activated, and shaping my responses, without me even realising. (Survival Tool #26: Become Trauma-informed).

But I now know that were I to face that situation again, I would use my loathing as an invitation to go within.

I would track the physical sensations associated with my loathing to their root — and connect with that young part of myself that holding an unacknowledged sense of overwhelm, shakiness, helplessness and fear.

That very young part of myself knows he needs care — and feels implacable anger and outrage when it’s not forthcoming.

I’d then bring that very young part into conscious relationship with my adult self; perhaps with the help of somebody I can trust to attune to both this fragile part, and the man I am today.

And by tending to this young part’s need to be witnessed and reassured, I would allow the loathing to subside — and resolve into the tears of grief the young part felt at having its right to belong threatened in this way, when it was powerless to resist.

I would still draw clear boundaries.

But my “no” would come from a deeper ground within myself, and would reach the other with a clarity and intentionality that only my adult self can command.

I’ve now understood that loathing should only ever be approached as signpost — not become a destination.

And at a time when loathing is a commodity in such abundant supply, it’s a lesson I feel fortunate to have learned.

Summary:

Loathing is a sign that a young part of us feels our right to be, belong or become is under threat. We can seek support to attune to this young part so we can feel the overwhelm, shakiness and fear it holds. Once these feelings have been given space, the loathing will lose its grip over our thinking, and we can offer our “no” from our adult self.

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