Name Workplace Bullying for What It Is
An empowering move that takes many of us too long to make.
I write Toxic Workplace Survival Guy because I want to help as many people as possible do as I did: survive long enough to emerge with my soul, dignity and career intact, on my own terms. A big thank-you to all those who’ve become paid subscribers — you make this work possible.
This is a lightly edited version of a post that ran in the HSP Revolution, with permission from the author, Dr Genevieve von Lob.
Survival Tool #25: Name Bullying for What It Is
Until you’ve experienced workplace bullying first-hand, it’s impossible to appreciate quite how devastating it can be. The insidious effect of being constantly demeaned, confused, manipulated and gaslighted by a manager starts to dominate our every waking moment, deprive us of sleep, seep into our intimate relationships, and leave us frantic for a way out.
The hard reality is that Highly Sensitive People — the 20-30 percent of the population who process emotions, sensory input and thoughts more deeply than most — are bully magnets. Their high levels of empathy, creativity and emotional intelligence threaten people who’ve become so cut off from these qualities within themselves that the only way they can find relief is to snuff out the spark in others.
We’ve all heard the phrase “hurt people hurt people.” There’s no doubt that people who engage in bullying are likely to have suffered such severe childhood trauma that they learned to regulate their nervous system by inflicting suffering on others. Nobody would choose to live that way. But as narcissism expert Dr Ramani Durvasula points out, we have to walk a line between compassion and self-preservation. We can always remember that even the most apparently damaged person contains a seed of light. But we mustn’t let our tendency to see the best in others, or give people the benefit of the doubt, blind us to abuses of power.
Name it
Until you’ve been bullied, it can he hard to grasp quite how difficult it is to handle. We might have heard friends talking about being bullied, nodded sympathetically, and thought: “I’d never let that happen to me.” It’s only when it does happen, and we’re months into the ordeal, that we might look back and realise how the bullying had subtle beginnings that we barely noticed at the time. (Survival Tool #1: Admit Your Workplace Is Toxic).
Your manager may have made a seemingly offhand remark questioning your commitment to the job. Or perhaps you had a difference of opinion and she used her position in the hierarchy to belittle you. Or maybe he began making impossible demands, or punished you for “failing” to meet an ill-defined standard — wearing you down with a relentless micro-management. They withhold information, fail to respond, make decisions without you, and exclude you from key meetings. They may swing between hostile, demanding and needy — and subject you to emotional outbursts that nobody else sees.
There comes a point where you realise that there’s more going on than poor management, or a lack of professional courtesy. You begin to acknowledge that you’re the target of a systematic process designed to undermine your self-respect, shatter your self-confidence, and leave you feeling broken and alone.
Nevertheless, we might feel considerable reluctance to apply the term bullying to our situation, asking: “Is what’s happening to me really bad enough to be called bullying?” Nobody likes to think of themselves as a victim — and the word “bully” might carry connotations of being picked on at school. But Toxic Workplace Survival Guy invites you to consider the benefits of embracing the word. Because bullying usually follows well-documented patterns, naming this behaviour is a big step towards taking empowered action in response.
Your Health Is Your Priority
Even if there’s no quick solution to your work predicament, your health must be your priority. The dilemma is that many of us are driven by a sense of mission, and may invest a lot in our professional identity. If you work in a field you care about, you’re naturally going to want to hang on. This might work as a short-term solution. But in the long-term, you have to find a way out.
Find Allies
Bullies single out individuals — but put on a friendly facade to everyone else. It’s as if they have different sub-personalities for engaging with different people — which is why dealing with them can be so confusing. Co-workers may seem baffled if you start trying to explain that you’re being bullied, and may say well-meaning but unhelpful things such as: “Maybe you’re being too sensitive?” or “I’ve never had a problem with them, perhaps it’s just a personality clash? Why don’t you try and have an honest chat with them?”
Many people want to give bullies the benefit of the doubt, or glaze over when you try to share your experience. Some can’t look at what’s going on clearly because bullying triggers their own trauma history, and hearing about your experience causes them to dissociate. Choose your allies carefully and confide only in people you trust. Don’t let the bully cut you off — they want you to feel alone. Toxic Workplace Survival Guy and other communities are here to make sure that doesn’t happen. (Survival Tool #8: See Through the Confusion) (Survival Tool #11: Read the Room) (Survival Tool #24: Find Supportive Community).
Notice Your Triggers
Bullies are experts at pressing our buttons. If we have a tendency towards people pleasing, perfectionism or rescuing, or struggle with self-worth (which almost everyone does), then a bully will sniff out these traits immediately. They’re experts in blame-shifting: holding you responsible for their own mistakes, while refusing to delegate because they’re obsessed with control. Most disconcerting of all, they’ll unconsciously project their own disowned traits on to you, accusing you of possessing the very same negative qualities that they exhibit every day, but can’t see in themselves. They gossip, smear other people, spread rumours and lie about you to other managers — and never, ever take responsibility for their actions.
As conscientious workers, we blame ourselves as our results slide — and redouble our efforts. Little do we realise that we’re falling into the bully’s trap. They will ruthlessly exploit our desire for validation by setting impossible targets, then withholding approval.
Typically, the bully seeks to hide such manipulative behaviours by pretending they’re simply interested in “results” or claiming to be “perfectionists” themselves — when they’re actually intent only on controlling you. You may work extra hard to satisfy their demands, still unaware that you’ll always be set up to fail. But there will come a moment where it’s time to name the bullying for what it is.
When you realise you’re being bullied, you must be honest with yourself. Where in your professional life are you still relying on external validation — rather than being your own authority on what good work looks like, or when you’ve contributed enough? In a healthy company, managers serve as wise guides who can help us to accomplish more, and become better versions of ourselves. But when the shadow side takes over, and the manager behaves like a tyrant, the situation is an invitation to reach deep down inside yourself, and realise that the only true authority only ever lay within. (Survival Tool #15: Befriend Your Defence Mechanisms).
Remember: Management Will Protect the Bully
The in-group at the top of your company will always protect its own. Be realistic about how much senior managers and HR departments will be able to do for you — i.e., precisely nothing. (Survival Tool#23: HR Is Not Your Friend).
Be prepared, too, for how traumatic it can be to recognise that a manager that you thought had your back will gaslight and question your version of events, simply because it would inconvenience them to admit that bullying is taking place on their watch. Some of the most painful wounds in such situations are not only inflicted by the bullies themselves, but by their enablers — especially if they include colleagues you had considered friends.
Approach Bullying as an Initiatory Ordeal
We evolve through our greatest challenges.
Now is the moment to take the radical step of viewing the bullying as a form of initiation — a metaphorical death and rebirth experience that will ultimately imbue us with a new level of self-awareness, and greater sense of purpose. (Survival Tool #7: Reframe Your Predicament).
Of course, this can be easier said than done. When we’re stuck (for now) at the mercy of a bullying boss, we don’t feel empowered. That’s a sign to dig even deeper. We trust that there’s a bigger reason behind our predicament than our mind may be able to grasp. It’s painful, and it’s not what we want. But if we can imagine for a moment that we have chosen this ordeal, we may be surprised at the reserves of resilience, courage and wisdom we discover within. (Survival Tool Number #21: Apply A Wider Lens).
Once you emerge, you’ll have a much greater sense of your own power. You’ll see more clearly how lack of self-worth has reached epidemic proportions in the corporate world — creating a permissive environment for bullies to thrive.
You may see how you had unwittingly colluded with bullies in the past, and will resolve never to do so again.
You will vow that you will never again allow your boundaries to be breached.
And you will stand as an ally for other targets of bullying — serving as a shining beacon to help them navigate to safety on the other side.
Summary
Naming the fact that you’re a target of bullying is an empowering move that can help you face your predicament with more clarity and resolve.
Resources
Useful webpage on workplace bulling here.
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I genuinely think the word 'bullying' is part of why the thing is perpetuated and so easily goes unpunished even when noticed. As you say, it's a school playground word. And this undermines the misery and sadism of the phenomenon in adult life. Call it abuse: that is what it is. Or find an even stronger word.