Why Can’t Others See It?

Navigating the confusion sown by workplace covert narcissism.

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Survival Tool Number#8: See Through the Confusion

Toxic workplaces are confusing.

You find yourself questioning your reality.

Losing trust in your version of events.

Wondering what’s wrong with you.

Even as others around you seem fine.

There’s a reason for this.

Playing the Victim

As discussed in Survival Tool #6, the root cause of toxicity in workplaces is the corrosive influence of the narcissistic personality style.

We’ll be touring through the entire landscape of narcissistic traits and behaviours, and strategies to counter them, in future editions of Toxic Workplace Survival Guy.

For now, I want to focus on covert narcissism — so-called because the person afflicted with this temperament may do a very good job of playing the victim and eliciting sympathy.

They will convey vulnerability — confiding that they feel anxious, under-qualified, or overwhelmed, and implying that your loyalty can save them.

Of course, some people do genuinely experience such feelings in the workplace — and may be turning to you as a source of support.

We want to help such people.

But they don’t have the agenda of the covert narcissist, who has no interest in gaining your support — only your obedience.

Because support would imply some form of mutuality, or reciprocity.

No: The pity plays and constant assertions of victimhood by the covert narcissist are a form of control.

They are meant to inoculate the covert narcissist from criticism.

And create a storyline where any legitimate attempt to question their decisions, explain your own position, or maintain appropriate workplace boundaries is cast as threatening and hostile — even bullying — behaviour.

The agenda of the narcissistic personality has three elements:

• Control

• Control

• Control

And in the covert presentation of narcissism, they will use back-handed put-downs, gaslighting, silent treatment, exclusion from important calls and meetings, and many other techniques designed to undermine your confidence and trust in yourself.