Developing Impeccability

Guarding against the temptation to sink to their level.

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I write Toxic Workplace Survival Guy because I want to help as many people as possible do as I did: survive long enough to emerge with my soul, dignity and career intact, on my own terms. A big thank-you to all those who’ve become paid subscribers — you make this work possible.

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Survival Tool #30: Be Impeccable

When we’re new to the upside-down world of the toxic workplace, then the way people behave will shock us.

Typically, it can take months for the truth of our predicament to dawn. (Survival Tool #1: Admit Your Workplace Is Toxic).

We naturally assume that our colleagues will share our standards of professionalism, or at least play by unwritten rules of decency and fair play.

We imagine those working alongside us will exhibit some basic level of self-awareness, or even a crude sensitivity to the impact their behaviours may be having on others.

We assumed wrongly.

Until we accept that we’re stuck (for now) in a toxic workplace, we’ll continue in the futile endeavour of treating deeply dysfunctional colleagues as if they were “normal.”

But as our professionalism and goodwill is met with increasingly stark examples of manipulation, defiance and assorted bullshittery of every stripe, we’ll find ourselves feeling increasingly angry, outraged and hostile towards the people in the workplace who we believe are the authors of our pain. (Survival Tool #9: Don’t Let Your Anger Come Out Sideways).

This is a pivotal moment in the process of initiation we can embrace through our toxic workplace ordeal. (Survival Tool#7: Reframe Your Predicament).

Fighting Cleanly

When other people treat us like objects, fail to respect our boundaries, and undermine our authority, we feel a natural impulse to fight back.

But fighting cleanly isn’t as easy as we might assume.

When confronted with narcissistic behaviours, we’ll have an unconscious tendency to begin to exhibit a mirror image of the very same narcissism that we correctly recognise, and condemn, in the other. (Survival Tool Number#8: See Through the Confusion).

We may justify saying or doing things that we’d normally consider unethical on the grounds that we have to defend our reputation, protect our organisation, or warn others of the dangers certain people pose.

We may become so convinced of our rightness with respect to the other, that we forget that shadow patterns are always operating in ourselves, too.

There are of course circumstances where speaking up about what we’re seeing around us is the only ethical course to take.

One of history’s most obvious lessons is that abuses of every description have flourished within institutions where people didn’t speak out.

But when we’re dealing with the kind of pervasive toxicity or controlling behaviours rife in our toxic workplace or team, the line between self-preservation and retaliation can blur.

We may find ourselves tempted to:

• Tell other people about a destructive individual (Survival Tool #11: Read the Room)

• Complain to colleagues about how we’ve been treated

• Seek redress through an HR grievance process (a pointless gesture) (Survival Tool #23: HR Is Not Your Friend)

• Apply psychological labels to our adversaries (deliciously tempting)

• Share private information about others (such as personal communications)

• Engage in Machiavellian ruses

This isn’t to say that some of these moves are not, in some cases, appropriate and justified. But we must always check our intentions.

Our future self will thank us if we can navigate our toxic workplace without starting to exhibit the very traits and behaviours we’re trying to protect ourselves against.

That’s why Toxic Workplace Survival Guy is a big fan of the word: “Impeccable.”

The word is infused with frequencies of purity, clarity, deceny and strength — precisely the soul qualities our toxic workplace ordeal is inviting us to embody more fully.

We can have the humility to acknowledge that we’re all prone to letting our own narcissistic traits come to the fore in response to the narcissism we see around us — and make a conscious decision to avoid succumbing to this temptation.

We can seek confidantes among friends, family or mentors outside the toxic workplace, declare our intention to navigate our ordeal impeccably to them, and seek their counsel before making significant moves that might affect another.

And we can use this checklist of some common narcissistic behaviours to ensure that our sincere attempts to resolve our ordeal impeccably do not lead us into¹:

• Drama Triangles: Are we unconsciously casting ourselves as the Victim? (Survival Tool#12: Escape Your Drama Triangle)

• Pity Plays: Is our impulse to warn others a genuine act of whistle-blowing, or a search for sympathy?

• Future Faking: Does our survival strategy rest on misleading others about our intentions?

• Character Assassination: Is our attempt to “raise the alarm” motivated by a desire to destroy the other’s reputation in retaliation for the pain they have caused us?

• Assertions of Control: To what extent are we legitimately defending our boundaries — versus slipping into patterns of manipulation and control?

• Shirking Responsibility: Are we accepting our situation as if we had chosen it? Or are we seeking to blame our colleagues, management, or more impersonal forces for our suffering? (Survival Tool #21: Apply a Wider Lens)

If, when we read this list, we feel any quiver of discomfort, then it’s time to take a moment to reflect.

Until we’ve experienced the all-consuming, energy-draining, relationship-corroding misery of a toxic workplace, it’s hard to understand how painful the ordeal can be. (Survival Tool#19: Protect Your Partner).

We can have compassion for the parts of ourselves that want to retaliate — to make those who have destroyed our contentment with a once much-loved job, and harmed our home life, pay.

It’s human nature to want revenge.

But we can also choose to observe and tend to this exiled part of ourselves — without necessarily putting it in charge.

In the language of Dr Richard Schwartz’ Internal Family System’s model, we can choose to exercise “Self Leadership” — and make impeccability our lodestar.

Our toxic workplace ordeal is temporary.

But impeccability is a quality we can carry with us forever.

Summary

Our toxic workplace can bring out the worst in us. Seek support, and check your tactics against common narcissistic behaviours, to turn your ordeal into a practice ground for embodying the impeccability that dwells naturally at your core.

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Further Resources

I highly recommend

Nathalie Martinek PhD

’s newsletter

Hacking Narcissism

. Many of the posts have spoken directly to my experience, and this edition of Toxic Workplace Survival Guy was partly inspired by Hacking Narcissism’s frequent and welcome reminders for us to be alert to our own narcissistic traits.

H.G. Tudor’s Knowing the Narcissist YouTube channel is as hilariously funny as it is incisive. Also see his website narcsite.com.

And of course, I love the work of Dr Ramani Durvasula, whose YouTube channel is an endless source of insight and reassurance, and whose new book It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, was an instant New York Times bestseller. (Survival Tool #6: A Copy of It’s Not You).

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I consult on surviving toxic workplaces; and can also help you navigate your toxic workplace via the Tarot. Click here to inquire:

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I write Toxic Workplace Survival Guy during my spare time from working as an editor at nonprofit climate news service DeSmog (a model workplace). Subscribing, sharing, liking, commenting or buying me a coffee helps make this project sustainable. Thank you!

1. This check-list is based in part on the work of H.G. Tudor, whose Knowing the Narcissist YouTube channel is an excellent resource.